So this post is going to be like one of those posts where ugly fat chicks post up there feelings and go eat ice cream.

well i’m going tow rite about my feelings but not eat ice cream because I preferably only eat ice cream when i’m really really sad and quite frankly though I am EXTREMELY upset.

I will not eat ice cream because all we have is vanilla. sighs.

Everyday I see people change and I seemed fine.  I thought when you change you won’t worry me.  You worry my every day and it seems like it doesn’t matter.  you say it matters but all i hear are empty words.  I know i’m suppose to support you but how can I?  I’m surrounded by bad news and secrets you claim you do not hide.  You pretend not to care and you say you don’t give a fuck.  You do new things I never thought you would and I’m scared one day you will get drugged up.

You are changing

you aren different

you are a stranger in my eyes

so why don’t you just get yourself together and see that all the stuff you claim is the new you is someone you are creating just to pretend you don’t care about the rules.  The image you so call created after years of trying to impress, it’s just a mess you can not regress from.  YOu claim al the drama brought you down and now you don’t care and just gonna ride it out.  I feel like you wont listen.  I feel like you are changing to much.  High school is about being reborn but for you, I feel like you are just being ‘born’.  As a stranger, not someone close.  Not in the positive but something extremely gross.

How can I trust you when I feel like all i hear are lies?  How can i not worry when all you do is just go outside.  IN the dark, in the rain, coming back sick and temporarily not in the game.  You are surrounded by folk i wish would disappear, Sometimes I wished we moved to a new country just so you won’t be able to cling onto anyone else

someone fresh

someone new

someone that was totally the person before this stranger walked into my bedroom door.

Everyone is telling me that you are going down the drain. Hell all the people you think are your closest friends after all the shit you do, come up and tell me that you are a complete stranger to them too.  You act all happy and care free now, i’m scared one day you’ll just be a gutter lying bitch to all of us later.  Can you just pick up and clean up your mess?  Can’t you just for once again, even if it hurts you pretend to care?  Quite honestly, every moment i see you out that door, every moment I know you won’t be home, makes me want to hate you.

I want to hate you

I want to kill you

because you always make me cry

You are a thorn in my heart and a sword at my side.

You are a completely different person that I can’t seem to change.  your influences, your ‘game’ it’s all something I wish I could say I won’t judge.  But believe me, one day.  When you realize it to late,  Iw ill hate you, I will totally and completely will hate you.  I will never talk to you, I will be YOUR stranger in YOUR eyes.  I will never speak a word to you or ask you for a favor.  I will be that person that you wish you could count on only to know you will have a door at your face and a kick in your ass.

OF course that’s all i want to say to you.  You make me so sad.  Now i can’t stop rhyming, I can’t writing, typing-such a hot laptop on my lap.

So seriously now, go change your fucking act because if you keep going down this road that you claim is just something to relieve your stress.  Trust me, I won’t be surprised when you have a baby in the oven, OD in the H-O-S-P-I-T-A-L or even dead in a gutter some where.  By then after crying for you so much, I won’t even cry at your wake.

How did I forget to mention that every time I tell you that I am mad or suet.  You automatically claim that I’m just pMSING.  seriously, who treats someone like that?  I’m mad and I feel like whenever I talk to you I loose.  I feel like every time I want to express how i feel, I can not tell you how I feela nd I loose.  You some how make it seem like I am angry for no reason and you know what.

Fuck you

I hate you

go to hell

i want to say all those things.  But of course they never fix anything.

stupid bitch

change your ways or it’s to late.

Because honestly, when you fail in life, the I will feel like I have failed in life.

Probably commit suicide

who knows.

 

Good morning.  Upon last night, I realized something.  I have nothing to go crazy over. This man is simply another figure in my life.  There are bunches more headaches where the Jaebeom swollen look alike will come from.  From the mucky depths of hell or the innocent crack of an egg from a chicken.

What I mean to say is that.  I don’t care anymore really if he contacts me.  I honestly don’t believe he will either.  Those people say I am pretty and think he will, then keep on believing that.

(Thank you to those who give me confidence upon my outer appearance, I am eternally grateful)

I am okay.

I don’t expect him to call me back.  What my cousin (my rock besides Alfredo) says is right.  I shouldn’t have to chase after a male.  It de-masculine everything.  Why should I do that?  He’s not even all that great.  In fact, I don’t know shit about him besides his family life and so forth.  If He wanted to contact me then be a man and fucking suck it up and do it.  The dance was one thing, where you fucking high when you freaking grappled me?

Everyone is telling me this man is a douche for being all over me.  But maybe I’m a slut for letting it happen.  I honestly didn’t feel that weird when all that happened (kissing, waist hugging, grinding, holding hands) I was completely comfortable with it (well not really the French kissing part.  That was a little awkward but hey! That was my first kiss!) Seriously, be a man and suck it up.

That one night didn’t really have any emotional significant to me but if you want to be a fling fucking stand up and say it.  I don’t care!

So, to you Mr. Jaebeom swollen face look alike!  I don’t care if you don’t’ contact me!  In fact I will do this.  I will write your number down, delete it from my contact book and hide it somewhere behind my computer desk!  If you bother to contact me, I will not know who you are.  This is my way of holding up my fort, because dear sir.

In this world

Love is a façade

Relationships are traps of war

And this is just a game.

For a second I was lost in the game.

Though with some great support and talking to, I am not longer lost.

Because I will win.

Anyways I liked Junsu better then Jaebeom anyways. Junsu is mmm. xD

But sadly, I know this post will come down as maybe a failure?  Because the second you contact me, I might remember al the things that happened that night and for that split second, I will be lost again!  This game I will try to win and etc….

I will win!

Dear world.  I’d like to finally start analyzing something that women have been analyzing for thousands of years.  Even more then thousands, probably hundreds of thousands of years.  That is man.  What is man? 

A walking sex stick for women to shove in their love hole of birth and lust?

Or a emotional attachment to those that prefer the stick to the hole?

I’m confused.

Very confused.

I went to a dance on Friday night at a relatively nearby high school.  It was for clubs so it was like a larger more whatever version of the dance I went to two months ago that my school hosts.  Everything is fine.  Everything is dandy.  That is..I don’t know.  I’m a bit confused.

Out of the 6 guys I danced with.  Four of them were undancable – one was just REALLLY bad.  Three of them were a head shorter than me.  One of them was to tall for me.  And the other one. He was the perfect height and had a great rhythm.  And this post will be dedicated to you…Swollen face Jaebeom lookalike.

-nods-

I don’t understand these men.  They think they can dance with three of them jumping up and down rapidly with no rhythm and one of them just freaking breaking out on the dance floor not even getting close to me but smiling.  Honestly, I was going to DIE right there and not even think about another school dance ever again. 

I was pretty offended when the hamster told me that I had no game.  It wasn’t straight up, you have no game.  It was more like, ‘dude I feel sorry for you, I don’t want to leave you alone’.  TOTALLY OFFENDED.

And WHO got a number first? YEAH that is right! BITCH IMMA PWN YOU. –Stupid karate moves-

NO anyways.

I’m a little confused.  Does this boy want to fling it or what?  He made the first move in everything; does he want me to pursue him too?  Fuck I don’t want to put in effort to a nonexistent fling.  That’s right a FLING.  I don’t expect this to grow and blossom into any type of relationship.  I honestly don’t care because shit, we are in high school, doesn’t matter dude.  Doesn’t matter.  Cuz we will probably never be able to see each other again.  So why not fling it?  I wouldn’t care.

But the thing is that, he chased after me.  The feeling was thrilling and invigorating Maybe I don’t like him emotionally (that I’m HELLA sure) I know it’s more of a psychical attraction. (Hey I’m human too) and well…yeah.  Like, why would he give me his face book and number first when I didn’t ask him?  I just did what he asked me too.  I don’t expect him to chase after me the whole time but at least maybe a week?  Shit a week is long enough, and then I’ll chase after him if I felt like it.  But you know, I don’t see how this is going on.  I think I’m an awkward person. 

Why would he introduce me to four of his friends?  And hug me and hold my hand when we walked together? Why would he hug me by the waist, kind of protectively as if I was a date or something?  Why would he kiss me anyways?  Shit I even said I was a bad kisser and he still kissed me.  Hell he kind of taught me too. I’m so confused. TT^TT SO CONFUSED.  Fuck and to make matters worse he was probably buzzed or drunk when he fucking met me.  So I don’t know if he saw me through fucking beer goggles or anything.

Shit.

And chewing gum.

And…

GAHHHH

I hate this feeling.  This feeling gets me too stressed out and everything.  I’m just rambling again.  I feel like...I really want to chase after this person.  I don’t know….there is something about him.  Maybe I’m creating this persona of a relationship that I’ve been secretly, secretly longing for though hid pretty well for.  It’s just that you know…I …

I’m depressed.

And I can’t stop thinking about him or more specifically what we did…

. . .

-face palm-

I’m such on a epic fail right now.

Today, ordinary.  I don’t know, tonight, I just got a random feeling of depression.  I was just staring out and thinking random sad thoughts.  My eyes started to water…I’m wondering what’s wrong.  Its’ not like here is something wrong with me.  Its’ not like I’m mildly depressed like beeken said I was Sure I had a few people that died in my life…

I feel like I owe the world something.  Idk.. I feel really down right now.  Maybe its’ coming back.  That border line insanity that me and another were assuming..

Insanity.

I don’t know.  My eyes are heavy.  Hopefully.  I’m mistaking this for sleep.

Something I’m deprived of way to often.

In other news.  Stated a string of pen pals.  I think someone from Italy wants to pen pal from me.  Finished my letter to U Ram Lee. I bet my Hangeul is horrible.  Aha.  I’m tired.  I want an adventure.  Adventure, adventure.  Anyone willing to recommend me a adventure BESIDES senior ditch day?

…

[Wind blowing]

AHH STUPID LANGAUGAE BARRIER.  I CAN’T STAND IT RIGHT NOW.  I AM WAITING FOR HER TO LEAVE.  I CAN NOT WORK WHEN PEOPLE ARE WATCHING ME.  STUPID PEOPLE I HATE IT. NO ONE FREAKING. UGH I’M SO MAD RIGHT NOW.  I CAN’T.  SHE SAYS I SHOULD LISTEN TO HRE BUT YOU KNOW WHAT.  I DON’T GIVE A FUCKING FUCK.  I REALLY DON’T.  IF I END UP PROSTITUTING THAT’S MY OWN FUCKING FAULT.  YOU KNOW WHY I SAY PROTITUTION?  IT’S BECAUSE MY PARENTS WON’T LET ME WORK.  OH NO, THEY WON’T LET ME WORK SO WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSE TO DO?  I DRIVE NOW.  I DRIVE NOW.  HOW THE FUCK.  I honestly,..I’m just to mad.  But I’m going to try to put this in order

I started my day out find today, sleepy with a lot of stuff between my eyes I wash my face.  I have breakfast, since I’m on a diet and missed breakfast and had lunch I combined the two.  A banana, chocolate rice cake and a sandwich with nonfat butter, wheat bread, smoked ham, cheese and a lot of veggies, yum..  After that I retreated back to my room after doing some kitchen chores.  Sister is going out today which is fine because she never goes out when I’m out and I planned to stay home.  Now I’m’ just made I didn’t go.  You know why?

Grandma started off about some big and heavy plant pot she wanted me to carry.  You need two people to carry that shit and I know mom would not approve.  She moved it outside a week ago because it was dirty.  We’ve had this pot for years may I mind you, the plant never died.  I told her I can’t do it by myself and she asked where Stephanie is in a rather questioning voice.  I replied that she is out with her friends. Oh hell did break loose.  She began to accuse us of being to old and not listening to her.  Instead of listening to her bs, she begins to rant about her being to weak and how she can’t do shit.  We know grandma, you complain about being a fragile daffodil since the day you fucking moved in, we get it.  I just don’t want to throw out my back in such a young age carrying something that you need two people too because it’s a fucking bamboo plan.  Some how it’s heavy enough for me not be able to carry with my legs and I felt my back being strained so I immediately stopped. 

After entering my room, I began to do laundry and occasionally checking on the forums I belong too.  She comes in here, lecturing me and asking me about where all my income comes from.  Since I do not work it try to explain to her that my parents won’t allow me to work which she mistakes as me just looking for money.  I keep saying in Chinese that my parents won’t let me look for money.  She keeps asking me why I don’t ask her for money.  To me that’s basically making me walk into debt in the bank of guilt.  I rather not if you ask me…

In truth I do want a job but I don’t want a job that I won’t like.  I mean even if it’s part time, I need something I can tolerate, my interest shifts so quickly I get scared by how I act sometimes or what’ I’m interested in.  I would work at TAP but the boss there is a bitch and leaves you in the back room for hours apparently dying and sweating.  Or at least that’s what my friends told me.   I need gas money though and I need to start saving up, really I’m a bit mad that I can’t do that… I’ll probably get a job behind my parents back after finals.

Then grandma made me do her heart pump thingy.  This is where I admit part of my wrong, I’m being a cold bitch to her, I don’t like staying with her, I never did and I never will.  I absolutely hated it.  I guess you can say she has high blood pressure cuz of me and my sister but honestly, I don’t give a fuck.

I’m probably spoiled, you all can say that, I’ll take it, I know people have called me spoiled but honestly, I don’t consider myself spoiled, I consider myself different.  My room is messy because I guess i consider myself a messy person so the bedroom represents me.  Within all the chaos, I know where EVERYTHING is.  So I feel like it’s my own little world where I can navigate myself…I don’t know how this rant got to this.  I feel calmer, not guilty but more frustrated and sleepy.

Oh so homecoming was such a...like it had its ups and downs but our friend is being such a dickwad.  Seriously, like what he did was so inappropriate.  I feel like I still want to go up to him and just smash his face against something.  He's just being a dick wad.  And even worse what he said in front of everyone to me is just.

Man

I don't want to be his friend anymore.

And then

OH AND THEN

aha.

God...

I got DEMOTED on a website.  Like I haven't been really active the past week or two but I thought they knew and UNDERSTOOD. Why I couldn't be on.  Homecoming is really hectic and we had practice like mad.   Like I’d still go on and check for updates, I guess they were personal but it wasn't like I had a choice!!  It was late half the time and now that I drive I need to get as much sleep as possible so I don't fall asleep on the wheel!!!  I thought they understood that.

Then there is the mark incident.  Only baobay knows of this incident and I think I’m developing something for him but I really don't know if it's the idea of linking someone or the idea of just...being ...oh I don't know

I’m just really upset

I’m so upset and confused I think I’m going to tear up and just cry a little

not full on sob

just a little crying...you know to get the emotions out.